There is no art in being indecisive, there is no carefully thought out pattern or trodden path, no detailed map. Being indecisive is chaos, a whirlwind of potential windows, dreams, dead ends and opportunities. And for all the best parts of me I cannot seem to shake this inability to make and stick with a decision. It’s woven into my personality like a hall way of unwanted guests. You have simply to gaze upon the diversity of book genres claiming home on my book shelf to understand that this personality trait has been my longstanding companion.
Certainty seems merely a vanishing thing, my world is singing of potential paths, possible outcomes, relationships, friendships. I am constantly changing my mind. Take summer for instance, I have changed my mind atleast four times in regards to where I will call home this summer. I make the decision to stay in Auckland and then all of a sudden my heart aches for a summer spent at Castle Point moseying down the streets I know like the back of my hand and being surrounded by familiar love, so I change my mind. And hen I change it back again and decide to stay in the big city of Auckland to discover new beaches, learn to surf, surround myself with friends who shine, and celebrate a summer with them. A few hours later and I am back where I started listening to the hundreds of voices in my heart which tumble along like a river.
Where in the world is that gut feeling, the feeling they tell you about, the when you know you know thing? There’s a fearlessness I envy in the ability to make a well reasoned choice and stay happy with it. So because my stomach is constantly in a state of Monday Mornings, I decided to do a fair bit of research on why it is I am constantly confused with my future.
I have been learning to measure each word, sentence and piece of information I read based on the weight of my understanding and heart feeling, and this is what I have come to understand about the art of being indecisive. Indecisiveness is about risk taking, self doubt, personal comfort level and the fear of being wrong. The fear of making the wrong choice, of missing out on the opportunities left behind. I have written the following on the back of my hand so I may learn these steps by heart before I can say I know anything like the back of my hand. So here they are, the notes I will begin to put into practice.
Understand & make peace with your fears. What is the worst that can happen, and if that happens how will you hold yourself and the situation? Nothing is as bad as it seems. Be the author of your own two feet. Nothing leads to indecision faster than letting your actions be guided by the desire to impress or satisfy others. Time brings clarity. This is probably my biggest problem, I make decisions fast and fearlessly and do not often think of the consequences. It is okay to sit with your options, haste is not a necessity. And lastly and of heart importance, understand your expectations, who you are and what you expect from yourself and from your life and where this comes from.
My life is simultaneously too graceful and uneven. My life is overflowing in blessing and yet I am constantly hitting walls in personality, well being and the expectations I hold for my adventures. But I will continue to look at the back of my hands, and remind myself to slow down, to ignore the pressure to make haste and remember that quiet minds are less likely to encounter misfortune and that my life won’t always feel like a clock during a thunderstorm.